Why, oh why, is this blog even here

As of today (Nov. 8, 2010) this blog will be a series of post following my journey in life. Don't worry, I lack any real Christian credibility ( other than loving Christ) so there will be no preaching, only reflecting on my daily struggles to be a good Christian, a decent wife, an OUTSTANDING mother and an ok person. Feel free to judge!

Sunday, February 13, 2011


I've been unplugged for a while, but now I'm back and I can't say the net break did me much good.
Turns out I'm a bit of a naughty girl without the accountability of my blog, but then, those of you who know me probably aren't surprised.
I won't say I sinned more in my weeks without internet access, but I will admit to sinning more stubbornly and without abandon and for that I have asked the Lord to forgive me. ... now, I'll confess:

In my 18 years attending the Catholic Church, I always dreaded confession. I think going to Catholic school and attending Catechism and youth groups created a complicated relationship between my priests and myself that made me feel the need to impress them rather than seek their guidance. So when confession came around, I'd hold my breath and glaze over all the "real sins" and give them the G version.
"Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last week I got smart with my Mom and disobeyed her even though I knew it was wrong. ..."
leaving out
"and yesterday, I was so embarrassed that Sampson Simms gave me a love note in front of the whole class that I was purposely hurtful, tried to embarrass him and stole his notebook and threw it in the trash after school. I knew it was wrong and Sampson is my friend, but people make fun of him and I was so worried about them making fun of me that I did something cruel, and I'm very sorry about it."
(seriously, I still lose sleep off of that one)
It seems silly to fret over these faux confessions now, but the truth is I was building my character based on lies.
I know a lot of Christians take issue with Catholic confession, but when done correctly, it can really help with self-healing.
Despite what most people think, Catholics aren't confessing to the priest, they're confessing with the priest. He is there for them as they lay their hearts on the line for God to assess and forgive. Yes, the priest tells you to say so many Hail Mary's, but I was always left feeling that the penance was more to help us let go of our guilt, not to earn our forgiveness.
But I wasted those years of confessions and never let go of my guilt.
I wasted time thinking God was punishing me for the way I treated Sampson Simms, or my little cousins or my school-yard nemesis when I could have been focusing on how I would be blessed after letting go of my sins and moving on.
So today, since I probably won't make it into a confessional, I want to openly ask the Lord for forgiveness in my latest transgression.
My family has been tasked to help and to give. And though I have financially facilitated this gift, I have done so begrudgingly and that's not right.
The thing is, even though I know in my heart that I am doing a good thing by giving. My head is full of "Whys".
Why should I work hard to give to someone who doesn't appreciate it?
Why should I continue to take from my household to give to someone who will waste my gifts?
Why am I helping the same person do the same things every year?
Why should I risk my family's stability to help this person who has never helped me?
I have no answers, but the Word says:

Deuteronomy 15:7-11  

“If among you, one of your brothers should become poor, in any of your towns within your land that the Lord your God is giving you, you shall not harden your heart or shut your hand against your poor brother, but you shall open your hand to him and lend him sufficient for his need, whatever it may be. Take care lest there be an unworthy thought in your heart and you say, ‘The seventh year, the year of release is near,’ and your eye look grudgingly on your poor brother, and you give him nothing, and he cry to the Lord against you, and you be guilty of sin. You shall give to him freely, and your heart shall not be grudging when you give to him, because for this the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all that you undertake. For there will never cease to be poor in the land. Therefore I command you, ‘You shall open wide your hand to your brother, to the needy and to the poor, in your land.’ 


This is not the spirit I had in my giving and for that I am truly sorry. I pray that the Lord will help me to move past the "me and mine" syndrome I'm struggling with and bless me with an open and giving heart.


  1. [[ I go through phases where I neglect blogs for a few days or even several weeks-- forgive me. Eventually I always get back on track. ]]

    As far as I'm aware, the Catholics are the only ones who do a formal confession with a priest, am I correct? I've always found that to be fascinating. You mention that you don't 'confess to the priest but you confess with him.' That helps put things into perspective because it seems like any person who hears your innermost thoughts [albeit G-versions of them] is in a position where they could easily abuse that power. I've always thought that any sort of confession should be between yourself and your God. Ministers/clergymen/religious officials are important but I think that spirituality is such an individual relationship with a higher power[s] that the personal, private communication should be front and center-- though I certainly understand how including third parties or even groups can be beneficial.

    I also like where you reference building your character on lies. Much to my dismay I feel that I too have built so much on lies, yet my 'saving grace' is that my inconsistencies focused on my reputation. Live and learn. Reputation I could care less about....let others think what they will. Character is who I am. And I'm unshakable in my convictions and those closest to me know that. While I certainly regret my failure to utilize more discretion in people's perceptions and/or my reputation, I am so far beyond that.

    Quoting scripture is still quite foreign to me. My dear friend, Seth, let me borrow a Bible book of his. There are multiple categories [depression, pride, joy, etc.] with corresponding verses from the Bible. In the past I dismissed the book-- religious ideology aside I found it dull and archaic-- but thanks to his gentle demeanor, patient influence, and general understanding of the way I operate I am exploring it. While I'm certainly not claiming any religion I am thoroughly enjoying immersing myself in the Bible and two other religious texts as well.

    Perhaps this novel-length comment makes up for my lack of responses as of late! ;)

    Hope all is well, June. If you don't mind I may be sending you a message on Facebook regarding some questions/thoughts I have regarding the book I mentioned. Forgive me if my thoughts are rambling....Adam's napping and my pleurisy medications make me feel as though I am in a coma.

  2. Message me all you want, I can't guarantee I'll be much help, but I'll always try. To tell you the truth I've never read through the whole thing myself. In fact I usually just google topics I need help with and add "scripture" or "in the bible" after it.
    As for your reputation, the people who care about you will remember the bad you did in the past only to highlight how far you've come.

  3. "As for your reputation, the people who care about you will remember the bad you did in the past only to highlight how far you've come." - I shared that with several of my closest friends tonight....truer words were never spoken. Some of us really needed to hear that.