Why, oh why, is this blog even here

As of today (Nov. 8, 2010) this blog will be a series of post following my journey in life. Don't worry, I lack any real Christian credibility ( other than loving Christ) so there will be no preaching, only reflecting on my daily struggles to be a good Christian, a decent wife, an OUTSTANDING mother and an ok person. Feel free to judge!

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I read a story shared on The Crunk Feminist Collective  about  a woman who meets her sister for the first time on Facebook. Reading this story, all I could think was, 'WOW, What a blessing!'
I've never met my father. Throughout my life I've been told the story of how he met my mother, why he didn't stay. I knew he had a 'real' family and a 'real' daughter out there in the world — probably right there with him. But all I ever had was his name. A super generic, million just like it, pointless to google, name.
I'm embarrassed to say how long I waited for him to show up. I'm ashamed of how many times I stood on stages for award ceremonies, graduations, spelling bees scanning the audience for an eerily familiar face and an instant connection.
I can't tell you how much not having a father has impacted my life, but I will confess it's a very sensitive subject. Despite how much I've always wanted to meet my father, there's one person I would have liked to meet more — his 'real' daughter.
As a young girl, I loved her instantly, from the moment my mother told me she existed. It was a passing comment for my mother — one small detail she could give her desperate for information daughter. But for me it was a revelation. Somewhere out there I had a big sister. One day we would meet, talk, laugh — create our own family. It was a beautiful dream.
As an adolescent, I envied her. I imagined she must be smart, beautiful and extremely successful, that my father could be satisfied enough to not come looking for me. Only a massive failure, or perhaps a failed organ would ever move him to look for me. Surely he saw the early signs of inferiority when he first laid eyes on me as an infant. Next to my perfect sister, I reasoned, he saw no use for me in his life.
And now as an adult, I still have my sister on a floating pedestal. She's now my phantom opponent. Instead of envying her, however, my efforts have been turned to out-doing her. I guess a part of me hopes that if he ever does track me down, my success will make him wish he'd thought better of abandoning me all those years ago.
So reading this story about a woman who knew her father, but had never met her half-sister, I felt extremely connected. There's something about knowing there's a person out there who might look a little like you, or be able to tell you things about your father that your mother can't — there's something truly beautiful about that. There's a connection I feel with her, that she may not even know about.
I pray that through the Blood of Jesus I will be blessed enough to find my blood-bonded lost ones someday and reading that account of it working out for one woman gave me a little hope that it could happen for me.
While I wait on my blessing, however, I'll pray that the pain and envy that have come with the rejection of not knowing my father be washed away with the same blood that will bring us together.
And in case you happen to stumble upon this blog Mr. Timothy Carter, you (or your daughter) can find me whenever you want. I'm just a click away.

8 comments:

  1. I'm here freaking out because not only your story is amazing but YOU NEED TO BE SYNDICATED!!!! I love this post and I'm following you. Thank you for reading my blog and for the sweet comment. Oh, you already know this but YOU ARE BRILLIANT! Miss you girl.

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  2. I agree! Its crazy how life can tangle up and twist around with such amazing results! bravo your writing is amazing!

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  3. What a story....

    Regardless of whatever the 'real' daughter is doing....you are a woman of character who is going places. Your biological father's loss is our gain. I have infinite respect for people who share stories such as this with readers. Yet I know that this has certainly made you a much stronger person.

    I haven't yet posted this on my blog but with the help of my parents I have started the search for my biological people [I was adopted at birth through a closed adoption and know nothing about it]. While I have no desire to have a relationship with them-- my motivation for the search was medical records for Adam-- one thing that has always crossed my mind was whether or not I have 'full' or 'half' siblings. That would just boggle my mind.

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  5. I had that same feeling of scanning the crowd looking for my parents when there was a school program or function. My mother and father both worked, and still do, and I'm very proud they've instilled in me that work ethic. However, there's still a bit of sadness when I remember what it felt like to see all the housewives cheering on their children.

    Everyone has some feelings liek these growing up, so I can understand how you felt the need to compare yourself with the imaginary sister. Who knows what your life would have been like if they were still around. I think you've grown up with a great sense of integrity and you're very mature. You've raised your little girl to be quite a proud young woman, and you're headed in the right direction! I hope you get the recognition you seek one day.

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  6. i dont mean to be a stalker, but we have mutual freinds and i found this post very interesting! I was adopted at birth (extremely closed adoption). I wish i had time to talk about the whole story, and maybe i will soon enough on my blog. anyways.. due to severe health problems that started in 2009, my mom and i started looking for my birth mother in 2010. well, low and behold, she found me first. i knew i had an older sister, and i sometimes wondered the same things that you did: is she better than me? why did she keep her and not me? etc..

    well, come to find out (dont get my wrong, i love my biological family to death no matter what. we have become very close!) that my older sister is what most would call white trash. from literally the way she speaks to the fact that she lives in a trailor, has 2 kids (neither of which she has custody, even though one of the fathers does hard drugs), and parties like its the end of the world.

    at first, i felt so blessed at the life i was given because that could have been me. but i ended up at a private school and ended up going to college.. but once i got to know her i started to feel guilt that i felt happy that i was better than her. even though we live a few states away from each other, we have have a connection that i have with no one else.

    -the man whose name was on my original birth certificate tried to extort $10,000 from my parents the day i was born after he had tried to kill my birth mother while pregnant with me & older sister by trying to blow up the trailor. my parents ended up having to leave the state without me. but eventually he was threated with jail time for extortion and here i am! but what neither i nor my parents knew that that man was not my biological father. he and my biological mother had been apart for 2 years but could not afford a divorce, so his name HAD to be on my birth certificate. so i do understand i the feelings because my entire life i wondered why this man did all these things? i know the situations are completely different, but i do understand your feelings.

    when you know there is someone out there related to you like that, those feelings and sense of competition and the constant asking of all the "why" questions is very normal! and sometimes we get the answers and they make our lives complete, or sometimes they can make us fall apart! but you seem like a very smart, strong, intelligent person. Hopefully one day he will know what he missed out on! :)

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  7. @Megan, there are no stalkers here! Everyone is welcomed and I thank you for sharing your story! Please feel free comment @ any time! I feel so blessed to have read your account!

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